A Little Bit More on Him...

I'm really trying to explore all the emotions that are running through my head in regards to my ex. I remember growing up my fear with relationships was always the break up. Not so much the ending of the relationship itself but everything that was to follow is what always made me anxious. I always felt there was some competition as to who would get over who first. For me the ultimate rejection was that the person who you dated for a significant period of time has moved on to someone else. I always wanted to be the first one to move on so usually hardly even a week after the end of the relationship I would quickly find a rebound which always lasted less than a month before I realized I either still had feelings for my ex or that I desperately needed alone time.

There are a few reasons why I think I feel this. I think the first is that you obviously always secretly wish that your ex will always want to be with you or that he would fight to reestablish the relationship and when he moves on it means that he has found someone else. I attribute this to usually not being worth the time or effort to work on the relationship or that I am inadequate of some sort and this new girl is the ultimate and after being with her, my ex would surely realize how flawed I am. Never once do I ever conclude that maybe for reasons unknown or maybe for reasons that were clearly obvious me and my ex did not connect on a level necessary for a relationship to flourish.

Another thing about the whole moving on after a relationship is that i think i always theorized that after a breakup I would be devastated when I found out that my ex is with someone new so when it I happened I think my reaction was more mechanical rather than authentic. I think i have led myself to believe that I should be somewhat distraught and the fact that I am not poses a problem. So I force myself to believe that I am in fact hurting over the fact that my ex has moved on when really I am not. Or maybe I am devastated because deep down I know I still want to be with my ex, or that maybe I just don't want to be alone.

The truth is I really don't have the answers to any of this. All I can do is know what I feel and speculate whether or not this feeling is real. After finding out that my ex is dating another girl I think I was shocked as i really didn't think another girl would be as dumb as me to fall for him. I really didn't believe that he was capable of finding someone else to put up with his bullshit. And the fact that he did and I am still alone is what makes me uneasy. I'm the one who should be happy and he should be the one who is miserable after all that he has put me through. But I guess life has a different plan for me and hopefully he will receive his karma one day.

All I do know is that all this knowledge concerning him has significantly changed my life in an odd way. Something is different, I am different and I think that is because whatever I saw in my future is no longer possible. I need to create a new path, one that is separate from him, one that doesn't include him.

Eventually he was going to stop chasing...

Although this is mainly an outlet for dealing with my e.d., I also want to tackle the things that are going on in my life that are difficult to deal with. I was talking the other day about my ex-boyfriend and how I found out he had a new girlfriend.

I don't believe that i miss him or want him back but I guess I was so used to him chasing me and coming back to me that now that he has moved on I can't accept it. I mean when you tell someone to leave you alone, eventually they are just going to stop chasing you and move on. I wish I could be happy for him but I'm just so angry with the way he treated me and how I let it happen. And now I blame this relationship for the emotional turmoil that I am going through.

Yes it has caused emotional turmoil thats for sure, and of course finding out someone who you dated has moved on is hard to accept, especially when you want to be the one who moved on. I wanted so desperately for him to suffer the way he made me suffer but I bet hes pretty happy. Aren't guys lucky...they can treat girls like crap and easily move on to the next one and never experience heart break, while I'm left to pick up the pieces of my own broken heart.

I know I need to stop blaming him for my unhappiness and just move on. Forget about him, accept the reality that he wasn't going to continue chasing me forever and he was going to eventually move on...thats life, and eventually I will too...when I'm ready I will.

“Just because the past taps you on the shoulder, doesn’t mean you have to look back.” -Anonymous

I just recently got out of a two year hell of a relationship. I'm not sure why I stayed with my ex-boyfriend but I believe it has to do a lot with not wanting to be alone and settling for the only person I "thought" would love me, although he didn't love me, or if he did he made every effort to hide it. The last time I spoke with him was a couple days before valentines day and he expressed his desire to want to try to have a relationship with me again after a hiatus that we took. It only took him less than 48 hours to begin to treat me the exact way that caused us to break up in the first place. After that I sent him a text to leave me alone and we haven't talked since.

A few days ago I found out that he is with someone new. The first thoughts that popped in my mind were feelings on adequacy and how the fact that he couldn't commit to me somehow was my fault because I wasn't worth the effort yet someone else was. I automatically assumed that he treats his new girlfriend with respect etc. even though I honestly have no idea, he probably treats her just as worse.

I removed every reminder I have of him, I want nothing to do with him nor do I want to blame myself for what happened with him. I keep trying to remind myself that I did everything I could for him and the relationship. I was always there for him despite him never being there for me. I really do never want to see him again but I'm not sure that it is plausible.

Either way it is important for me to put him behind me and concentrate on the new me. The e.d. free, happy me...the girl he didn't get to know and the girl he will never have the opportunity of knowing...and I think I'm pretty awesome too!

Its just always important to remember, things like this we can't control. Knowing more or less about the situation will not change it, nor will it change the fact that we don't have the ability to control it. People with e.d.s like to think they have control over every aspect of our lives but in reality we don't and we shouldn't want to...I have no control over this and I don't think I want it anymore...

all I can say to his new girlfriend is thank you...thank you for taking that douche bag off my back. Maybe now I can get some sleep at night without anticipating 4am texts of him wanting to see me. But maybe I'll still get them, and I hope I do...that would just prove to me what a asshole he really is...not that I haven't already realized it....