A Little Bit More on Him...

I'm really trying to explore all the emotions that are running through my head in regards to my ex. I remember growing up my fear with relationships was always the break up. Not so much the ending of the relationship itself but everything that was to follow is what always made me anxious. I always felt there was some competition as to who would get over who first. For me the ultimate rejection was that the person who you dated for a significant period of time has moved on to someone else. I always wanted to be the first one to move on so usually hardly even a week after the end of the relationship I would quickly find a rebound which always lasted less than a month before I realized I either still had feelings for my ex or that I desperately needed alone time.

There are a few reasons why I think I feel this. I think the first is that you obviously always secretly wish that your ex will always want to be with you or that he would fight to reestablish the relationship and when he moves on it means that he has found someone else. I attribute this to usually not being worth the time or effort to work on the relationship or that I am inadequate of some sort and this new girl is the ultimate and after being with her, my ex would surely realize how flawed I am. Never once do I ever conclude that maybe for reasons unknown or maybe for reasons that were clearly obvious me and my ex did not connect on a level necessary for a relationship to flourish.

Another thing about the whole moving on after a relationship is that i think i always theorized that after a breakup I would be devastated when I found out that my ex is with someone new so when it I happened I think my reaction was more mechanical rather than authentic. I think i have led myself to believe that I should be somewhat distraught and the fact that I am not poses a problem. So I force myself to believe that I am in fact hurting over the fact that my ex has moved on when really I am not. Or maybe I am devastated because deep down I know I still want to be with my ex, or that maybe I just don't want to be alone.

The truth is I really don't have the answers to any of this. All I can do is know what I feel and speculate whether or not this feeling is real. After finding out that my ex is dating another girl I think I was shocked as i really didn't think another girl would be as dumb as me to fall for him. I really didn't believe that he was capable of finding someone else to put up with his bullshit. And the fact that he did and I am still alone is what makes me uneasy. I'm the one who should be happy and he should be the one who is miserable after all that he has put me through. But I guess life has a different plan for me and hopefully he will receive his karma one day.

All I do know is that all this knowledge concerning him has significantly changed my life in an odd way. Something is different, I am different and I think that is because whatever I saw in my future is no longer possible. I need to create a new path, one that is separate from him, one that doesn't include him.