Keep on Believing?

I haven't been posting positive affirmations because quite frankly they aren't working nor is this visualization process as I can't remember what it is I want every time I have a negative thought or act inconsistently with my visualization of normalcy. I feel like my thoughts are so embedded that they are irreversible and that I'm going to be stuck this way forever. On the other hand I don't feel that I am giving myself the benefit of the doubt but its hard to know how to go about this whole process. I have no sense or direction or idea of what it entails to beat this disease. I feel lost and I guess I expect all these behaviours to change overnight and am giving it a time line when maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I'm hoping this eating disorders support group will help and maybe next week during check in I will bring up my lack of understanding what this journey entails and how it is become a self-fulfilling prophecy that I am destined for failure. In the meantime I really have to try and keep positive and keep myself busy and surrounded by people. Its just I feel ok now but in five minutes I have to go change into clothes and thats when I get depressed and an sense of faith that I had has been quickly forgotten.

Some good news though, my counselor at university is not going to be able to counsel me during the summer as she is leaving, but she has asked her supervisor to continue counseling with me and for that I am so grateful because I really can't do this alone and I need the proper direction.

Some so so news, I am going to Cuba in June and although that should be really exciting I am really nervous about having to wear a bathing suit...

Getting Frustrated

Maybe my expectations were too high for recovery and I expected to instantaneously decide to give up binging and wake up tomorrow morning and just stop having urges to do so. I have also been easily giving in to urges and feel absolutely terrible and defeated after wards. I feel like I'm losing grip on this recovery process and I don't know how to stay motivated. The more I put on my clothes the more depressed I become when I realize that they are too tight and they were not just two months ago.

On Tuesday I also attended my first support group. Although I didn't speak during it, listening to the stories of others didn't make me feel like such an alien knowing that they are other people who do the same, think the same and still have to function in society like me. But also at the same time it made me nervous as I thought to myself a lot of these girls have been struggling a long time even with therapy and I suppose I have been too idealistic in what this all will entail. Dealing with these emotions has just been difficult as I can't seem to balance my desire for recovery with my thoughts of my body. Its letting go of all the control that I have had that scares me.

Today's Positive Affirmation

"I am in tune with my own body"

Being in tune with my own body means that I only listen to external cues of physical hunger. I no longer deal with my emotional problems to combat sadness of depression. I eat when I am hunger, when I am not I don't eat...

My newest technique for combating this and the obsessive thoughts over food is whenever it comes up in my mind I have a particular thing that i switch into my mind to concentrate on. I chose photography because it is a hobby that I really want to get back into this summer and now with so much more time on my hands since I know longer am to be obsessive over my thoughts of food and weight I will have time to do so. So every time I think of food, I just opt to change my concentration over to photography. I believe that if I practice this enough the obsessive thoughts will begin to disappear.

Update from last night. So at the dessert place I was trying to choose a dessert and I actually for once chose the one I wanted over the one that was healthier. It was a mint chocolate chip sundae..mmmm... and I actually was satisfied because it was what I wanted rather than the safer vanilla ice cream with strawberries.

On another great note I think me and my friend are going to the travel agency today to get information on our trip to Cuba that we want to take in June. Normally this would send me into a panic attack as all the components of a vacation is a nightmare to a person with an eating disorder...restaurant food, bathing suits, possibly no time to work out, little opportunity for isolation. I think this is the perfect thing for me...It would be a week to escape all my eating disorder rituals as  I won't engage in them in front of people....I am honestly really excited for this....

anyways off to yoga now...mands out!

Loosing Focus...

Only a week ago had I had such a clear vision of what this new life of normalcy and release from the preoccupation with my weight was and now that has seemed to fizzle away. I can feel my feelings creeping back and the preoccupation with food and feeling fat present once again. This upsets me as only a week ago was I so optimistic about this whole journey and I felt hope, hope that I could achieve all these things and feel normal once again. But now I feel like again I'm stuck in a cycle that I don't know how to get myself out of.

I read this book called "Wasted' about the experience that Maryna Hornbacher has with eating disorders. At the end of the book she makes quite a valid point and I highly recommend anyone that has experienced eating disorders read this book. Some people have claimed that it could be a trigger for some people and I see how it could in particular ways. She brings up a lot of the emotions and realities that surrounding having an eating disorder and it could perpetuate those feelings in suffers who enjoy experiencing those same emotions. Now back to the point that she made that struck a chord with me...

She said that no therapy, no treatment, no book etc is useful in recovery if you aren't willing to recover. The only person that can make that change is you and you alone. Nothing else can be effective or is effective without you. I strongly believe this and sometimes I feel like I rely on external sources too often to tell me how to go about this process that I don't trust my on self. I also feel like sometimes I don't know how or maybe even want to give this up.

I guess in some senses an eating disorder provides an explanation for many things. Its an explanation for why I'm unhappy, or why I don't want to experience new things or even why I lost my marbles on someone the other day. All I have to say is I don't have any other explanation for my actions other than I am suffering with an eating disorder and it alters my judgment. If I don't have an eating disorder anymore than if I were to act in similar ways only I would be accountable for it, unless I developed some other sort of mental disorder.

When you think of this it kinda leads you into thinking about the origins of one's eating disorder and what has perpetuated it through all these years. What started it for me? Did I just develop one because I needed something to excuse me from my unhappiness, or negative behaviour. Maybe I felt eating disorders were the easiest excuse. Or maybe it was unconscious and I was biologically inclined to develop one.

In all realness we spend so much time looking into the past and the whos, whats, wheres and whys. None of that will help me now. Knowing why I developed this disease will not help me get past it. Ye sure, maybe I'll be more enlightened but still suffering nonetheless. I know I need to keep up with the visualizations but its hard to consciously remember these things, especially when I spend so much energy criticizing myself. Like now for instance, here I am already defeated after a couple days of backwards thinking. Its probably this feeling of defeat that has kept me from overcoming small setbacks in the past. I've once again ignored all the progress that I have made. So because this time I am serious about this journey as I've pledged on this blog that I will make the effort everyday to make my life an enjoyable one, I will continue fighting.

How will I do this you ask? Well now that you mention it I am in fact going for dessert tonight with some friends and it is expected from them that I actually order dessert. I've been nervous all day and night for what I am going to encounter or whether or not I will be able go through with this and actually order dessert...No Wait!Stop!Rewind! Ok with today's positive affirmation in mind...I am a normal eater therefore I will eat dessert tonight, enjoy it and not think twice of any consequences.

Also on a side note..tomorrow is my first group therapy session at Sheena's Place and I'm super nervous yet quite excited that I will get to be around people who are dealing with the same issues as me...

Ok time for dessert now...Mands out!

Today's Positive Affirmation

"I am a normal eater"

I felt the need to keep reinforcing this notion of normal or intuitive eating as lately I have been noticing how during the day I am more easily able to tap into my hunger levels but still at night am emotionally eating. For instance last night I had a stomach ache but I still continued to eat.

I realize that this is a journey and that it won't happen overnight but this morning I felt like I was regenerating back to diet mentality and became worried about the fact that tonight I'm going our for dessert and that I have functions coming up. All this eating out lead me to worry about weight gain, and that I began to revert to the dieting mentality of figuring out how to plan food in order to prepare for all these outings etc.

So today's affirmation is to reiterate that this thinking is now longer how I think because now I am a normal eater and I don't worry about food anymore.

Today's Positive Affirmation

"When I believe in myself, so do others"

I really don't think I give myself credit for all the amazing things that I am doing for myself. It takes a lot of courage to admit that I have a problem and seek help. My determination is a characteristic to admire and I think a lot of people admire me for it and support me through all that I am going through. I need to believe in myself for others to though and I need to trust that whatever I am doing is the right thing.

I also believe that I put to much emphasis on relationships and the fact that I am lacking in that department recently. My ex-boyfriend has moved on and because I haven't I feel like somewhat of a loser or failure because I lost the personal competition that I started between us on who could move on quicker. What I have yet to truly realize is that competition that I started in no way determines that I am a loser just because I am not in a relationship. There is no evidence that whatever relationship he is involved in is better or considered a success but it could quite possibly be a rebound. Regardless my ex-boyfriend is really the equivalent of major douche so I mean a relationship shouldn't be the only determining factor in whose moved on to bigger and better things. Also I need to let go of my past and not address the lives that the both of us have created in comparison to one another.

I need to see myself for who I am and project that to other people because then only good things can come my way...

Today's Positive Affirmation

"If I make mistakes, I am able to give myself the benefit of the doubt"

We are not perfect and we cannot expect ourselves to achieve perfection. Even when our actions stray off course we need to address all the things that we are doing that is consistent with the person that we see ourselves as. We should celebrate our successes and understand that our mistakes also contribute to our growth as a person and are a necessary part of life.

My binges are getting smaller but they are still there. At times I feel defeated that I can't just put an end to them but I do have to realize that this is a process and I am making small steps towards recovery each day. For instance yesterday when buying my lunch i had a chicken salad in my head but I knew that I actually really wanted sushi...so I bought it. Normally chicken salads were the only safe food on my list but I am learning to listen to what my body wants an stopping when my body is full.

I am doing quite well during the day but night time is my trigger period and I still haven't conquered it yet. But I must give myself the allowance to make mistakes and continue to work towards recovery.

Right Guy, Wrong Time?

How do you know? Its such a loaded question when applied to relationships. I mean really how do you know when something is worth it or when a relationship really isn't meant to be. Breakups always seem to final to me despite the possibility of rekindling love some time down the road. I guess for me its final because if I know at the end of a relationship there is a possibility of a future I will hold on to that thought. The problem with that is life changes so rapidly that that notion which seemed possible at the time no longer stands true.

That is what happened with my high school boyfriend and I always wonder whether I should have fought harder for the survival of the relationship. Realistically no guy had ever treated me as good as he did or make me feel that important. I wasn't able to appreciate it at the time because I hated myself so much that I felt like I couldn't let someone else love me, nor was that an even plausible thought. I remember the day I met him, four years before we actually dated I just knew that we were going to date. It was intuition I suppose. He became my best friend and remained my best friend until the end of our relationship. I couldn't be friends with him after because I loved him too much. I still love him I think. I do miss him and always wonder that if I was a little bit different than maybe we would be together today. But at the same time I don't want to put that much blame on me. I mean I was in high school, what did I really know about love or maintaining a relationship.

I tried to maintain my last relationship I was in far past its due date and what a disaster that was. I guess I was afraid that like with my high school boyfriend that I was letting go of something prematurely and what if I did and I regretted it. For me it was like one of those how do you know moments. I always believed that maybe this relationship was so difficult for a reason. Maybe it was meant to be fought for and there was a reason I was to put up with all the abuse. The sad thing was that there was no reason. It was just a case of a lack of respect on his part for me and my feelings. And in the end I was the one that ended up hurt while he moved on easily.

It was easy for him to move on as he wasn't really emotionally invested in it to begin with. I don't know if hes capable of being emotionally invested in anything really. The only way I could describe him really is possessing a cold, cold heart. Not even to this day has he apologized for what he put me through, which makes this process of moving on so much more difficult. I mean I have so much anger towards him and as hateful as it sounds a part of me really wants him to end up miserable or to have his luck run out.

But it brings me back to this confusing notion between what is right and time. When do they connect and meet? When will the right guy show up at the right time? I always only ever seem to get only one part of the equation right. Unlike math there is no definite answer and even if you have all the parts they may never amount to the right answer. Matters of the heart cannot be figured out reasonably because nothing the heart emotes is reasonable. It is erratic and confused. Love and relationships are a never-ending topic of what ifs, maybes, and I wish....

Today's Positive Affirmation...

" I am an intuitive eater"

Losing an Identity, but building a new one

Its truly astonishing to realize how your eating disorder as occupied the majority of your life. I mean it has an identity of its own and one that is quite dominant. People who have eating disorders do not simply just have a preoccupation with food but they begin to embody something outside themselves and identity with new characteristics that are inconsistent with their true selves but rather somewhat forming an alter ego, the e.d. In some ways having an eating disorder can be compared to developing some sort of alter ego like a superhero. It is basically escapism and a way to escape one's own life in order to adopt a different one. Now the difference with adopting a superhero alter ego is that is usually a fantasy that one conjures up in their mind whereas an eating disorder is so powerful that it begins in the mind but spills out into reality eventually wiping the victim of the personality in which they identified with previously in order to become someone different.

This is why eating disordered people eventually disconnect with their world and often lose people who they love and had formed relationships prior to its onset. Its because this eating disorder personality does not like people but prefers isolation. Isolation is a time for this person to be one with their eating disorder and engage in the necessary behaviours to fuel the disease further. Obviously if people were to see their friend, wife, daughter etc. vomit all that she has eaten, not eat at all, or just basically have that look of self-hatred on her face it would tear them to pieces. Eating disordered people often avoid social contact as it is often connected with food and they don't want to be questioned by others for their choices.

Besides eating disordered people isolating themselves, and being difficult to communicate with, they become preoccupied with food, eating and health. Much of their time is spent developing new and alternate ways to reach their goal. A common misconception is that this goal is to be thin, beautiful and accepted by society. And probably to an extent that is true but I think on a deeper and more profound level, the goal of someone with an e.d. is to disappear. They possess a self-hatred for their self and body so deep that they punish their body through various means. It is a conscious attempt at a slow death, one in which the e.d. victim believes that she deserves to be punished.

It is a level of depression that seems impossible to get out of. And if that person decides that they want to be "normal" and relieve themselves of this perpetuating cycle it is an even more scary notion than staying with an e.d. Because for this person, they have created a new life that is centered around their eating disorder and to separate themselves from it is similar to that of moving to a completely different universe. Not only has every action this person has made reflected their eating disorder, but the only interest they have had has surrounded food. Do they even like anything else? Are they good at anything else? What is life like without an eating disorder?

These are the questions that have been running through my head since I decided to make the change and let go of an identity that I have possessed for the last eight years. I needed to make small steps and still am but I am so determined to change my life around that I have been able to see the light in the tunnel so to speak. I never thought that I would be able to go a day without writing everything I ate or counted all the calories of my food, but here I am three weeks and counting and no meal plans etc. I do find myself sometimes thinking about what I have ate, or am about to eat but I am consciously trying to defeat those thoughts until they are no longer automatically activated.

The most odd thing that I have realized is all the time I do have now that I don't spend numerous hours on health and weight loss websites (I have banned myself from going on them as I feel it perpetuates the disorder). My eating disorder had become so embedded in me over the years that I have forgotten what I used to be interested in prior to its onset. I was talking to my therapist about it the other day as I was trying to explain the difficulty in separating with an eating disorder. As much as it has been harmful to me it is also what is safe. Many times people would rather live in a comfortable hell than embark into the unknown. Leaving an eating disorder is rediscovering who you are and what you love. Its adopting a new lifestyle and putting yourself into situations that previously you would have avoided.

As much as this is exciting and trust me, the idea of going to the store and buying a bag of ju jubs without consequence is quite delightful and somewhat devious (but in a good way) it is still daunting to believe that I will eventually be someone different. But I wasn't happy with who I was before and that is what keeps me from retreating back. I figured I am in hell now and even if treatment doesn't work and I'm still in hell, at least I could say I tried and accept defeat at that point. When you are at rock bottom, there is only one way to try and go and either way you are already at the bottom so you can't do anything that will make it worse.

I have rediscovered my love of the written word and how much I truly enjoy writing. As a child I could always be found with a book in hand or writing some short story. I always had aspirations to one day write a novel. I doubt that is plausible but this web site has been a way for me to release a lot that is on my mind and has given me the opportunity to write and I hope that in the future I could be more creative in what I post on here and I am sure I will.

So although the loss of my eating disorder identity is difficult to accept in someways, the possibility to become the person that I believe I am capable of being and developing the skills and talents I know I have within me is quite exciting and liberating.

Today's Positive Affirmation

" I love and accept myself exactly as I am"

I will keep this affirmation at the back of my mind today and repeat it constantly throughout the day

What Recovery Means to Me

A crucial element in eating disorder recovery is to visualize what recovery from your eating disorder means to you and how different your life would be if you didn't have an eating disorder. Then from here you act out your vision as if you are already recovered.

So what does recovery mean to me? Well I think it means living free from binge eating. I would no longer be obsessed with food or think about when I should or could eat and what I should or could eat. I would no longer have obsessive thoughts regarding the future and food's involvement. I would be stable enough to be able to put myself in any situation regarding food and easily handle it as it would no longer be an issue. I wouldn't be concerned with calories or gaining weight. I would trust my body and love it unconditionally.

I would also stop binge eating because I would be comfortable doing nothing nor would I have thoughts such as I probably should eat something etc. These are the kind of thoughts that probe me to get a snack which end up in binges. From there the exercise bulimia kicks in as in the morning I usually feel as if I must get up and workout and if I don't its at the back of my mind the entire day until I exercise. So recovery for me would be to exercise because I enjoy movement and challenging my body but not because I need to work off what I ate. I also wouldn't have to because I would only be eating when I was hungry, not when I felt that I should or could or to fill some unspecified void.

I would enjoy eating because I could finally enjoy all the food that I had sworn off as bad and could enjoy it without guilt. I wouldn't feel guilty either because I would be able to finally listen to my body and stop when I was full. I would no longer eat for emotional reasons or have any particular attachment to food.

I would feel happy in recovery because I feel that I have kept myself isolated for so long due to how uncomfortable I am around food that now I could finally enjoy my life. I would socialize with my friends more and more than that my spirit would be high and that would attract people to be around me. I truly believe that somewhere deep inside me there is a happy person who has been jaded by this disease. But I believe in some ways she is capable of great things and I want to give myself the opportunity to reveal that person to the people who love me.

Something else that is really important to me is to bring awareness to this disorder as I feel that there are many misconceptions concerning it and that people don't really understand its severity or take it seriously. People really don't view eating disorders as something serious because they don't really understand what the sufferer goes through. People just assume its a diet gone out of hand and its just a matter of simply coming off the diet. They don't understand that an eating disorder is rooted in a self-hatred for one's self and body that is so intense, so severe that the eating disorder is a way in which one can kill their self, and kill their soul. Death becomes irrelevant as sufferers really don't care if they live in the hell they call life. In fact most sufferers are just waiting to die or feel that death is the only release from the hell they are in. People with eating disorders become so accustomed to living life in a particular way that normalcy seems impossible and even if it is impossible they don't know what it consists of anymore.

Yesterday I was standing in the food court at school deciding what to eat and now that my whole eating repertoire has expanded to include any food I desire, I still went for a sub. I did this not because I was trying to be healthy but because I had no idea what I wanted. It has been so long since I have had the option of so much food choice that I was so overwhelmed.

In Summary, my recovery consists of:

1. I have no more binges, especially midnight ones
2. I eat whatever food I desire
3. I don't feel guilty for not exercising if I don't feel like it
4. I exercise for enjoyment and practice yoga more often
5. I am able to eat out with my friends at any restaurant and am open to trying new foods
6. I am not preoccupied with what and when to eat, I eat when I am hungry and only think about food at that time
7. I don't count calories, but rather spend my time interested in other things that excite me
8. I am at a normal weight and am not concerned with my weight at all

So from now on this vision is not a goal but is a reality, I will act out my life as if it was true because if I believe it enough it will become a reality. No matter if sometimes I act inconsistent with my vision I will still repeat it as if it were true. I will keep seeing the life that I desire to have and continually make the effort to implement it regardless if sometimes I fail. Because I am never actually failing but realizing that this is a process and I will not be perfect all the time. I don't want to be perfect, perfection is what got me into this mess the first time and I am not perfect and my life won't be. There are times when I will act inconsistently with the life that I desire but everything that happens is a learning process. I just need to be honest with myself that this is what I want and being committed to achieving it.

Recovery to me is an intense feeling of happiness and a feeling of the world finally being open to me for enjoyment. I could finally learn and concentrate on all the aspects of life that were previously occupied by thoughts of food and calories. Most importantly I think I would smile more, i mean be genuinely happy and appreciate the aspects of myself that others value because they are what makes me unique. I will embrace my eating disorder in that I would be proud of myself for conquering something so difficult and would b able to retell my story of strength to others who need the encouragement.

A Little Bit More on Him...

I'm really trying to explore all the emotions that are running through my head in regards to my ex. I remember growing up my fear with relationships was always the break up. Not so much the ending of the relationship itself but everything that was to follow is what always made me anxious. I always felt there was some competition as to who would get over who first. For me the ultimate rejection was that the person who you dated for a significant period of time has moved on to someone else. I always wanted to be the first one to move on so usually hardly even a week after the end of the relationship I would quickly find a rebound which always lasted less than a month before I realized I either still had feelings for my ex or that I desperately needed alone time.

There are a few reasons why I think I feel this. I think the first is that you obviously always secretly wish that your ex will always want to be with you or that he would fight to reestablish the relationship and when he moves on it means that he has found someone else. I attribute this to usually not being worth the time or effort to work on the relationship or that I am inadequate of some sort and this new girl is the ultimate and after being with her, my ex would surely realize how flawed I am. Never once do I ever conclude that maybe for reasons unknown or maybe for reasons that were clearly obvious me and my ex did not connect on a level necessary for a relationship to flourish.

Another thing about the whole moving on after a relationship is that i think i always theorized that after a breakup I would be devastated when I found out that my ex is with someone new so when it I happened I think my reaction was more mechanical rather than authentic. I think i have led myself to believe that I should be somewhat distraught and the fact that I am not poses a problem. So I force myself to believe that I am in fact hurting over the fact that my ex has moved on when really I am not. Or maybe I am devastated because deep down I know I still want to be with my ex, or that maybe I just don't want to be alone.

The truth is I really don't have the answers to any of this. All I can do is know what I feel and speculate whether or not this feeling is real. After finding out that my ex is dating another girl I think I was shocked as i really didn't think another girl would be as dumb as me to fall for him. I really didn't believe that he was capable of finding someone else to put up with his bullshit. And the fact that he did and I am still alone is what makes me uneasy. I'm the one who should be happy and he should be the one who is miserable after all that he has put me through. But I guess life has a different plan for me and hopefully he will receive his karma one day.

All I do know is that all this knowledge concerning him has significantly changed my life in an odd way. Something is different, I am different and I think that is because whatever I saw in my future is no longer possible. I need to create a new path, one that is separate from him, one that doesn't include him.

A focus on my wins

Sometimes I am so focused on the negatives that I believe that I possess that I forget to make the time to acknowledge all the great things that I have been doing. For a while there I felt like I was on such a high due to the fact that I believed that I had come to some pretty incredible revelations and was beginning to engage in some life changing things. This was right after a major depressive state that I was in where I pretty much felt that if my life continued on the way it was going it wasn't worth living. I was driving myself crazy with all the negative self-talk, the blame, the pressure to be perfect, meal planning, isolation etc. My body could no longer mentally, emotionally or physically handle the pressure that I was putting on it. Not only was my mind constantly running I couldn't concentrate on anything nor could I relax myself enough to sleep at night. I had developed insomnia and rarely slept at night. In addition to all of this I am a full time university student who works 30 hours a week at a stressful administrative job who works our daily (my exercise bulimia I'd like to call it)

I don't doubt that this kind of lifestyle is possible for some people and maybe they are capable of executing it smoothly, keeping breakdowns to a minimum but I couldn't do it. It worked for about 5 months before I hit probably my lowest point in the last two years. Straight to the doctors I went and straight on cipralex she put me. I felt so relieved because I had the magic pills to end all my problems. Apparently the medical community likes to lead people to believe that the cures to lifes woes can be found in a pill...if only that were true. If that were true there would be no angst, no heartbreak, no feelings really....because the moment one felt a sense of emotional discomfort their doctor would provide them with the magic pill that would end all there problems.

That is the problem with the medical community and anti-depressants specifically is that it is a facade. A false hope really. It was something that allowed me to leave my doctor's office somehow believing that my life was about to take a new and positive turn. I finally found the key to freedom and could unlock the door to happiness.

As much as I would love to say that was what transpired, it wasn't. Instead I felt completely lethargic, miserable and isolated. I also gained like 10-15 lbs due to the lack of activity that I was doing, which for someone with an e.d. is just about nail in the coffin. I was missing work, not going to school, and entering the world of isolation once again. This pill was doing everything opposite of what it promised...

For me suicide isn't an option and I was pretty miserable so I realized something. I had only two options, to remain miserable or to try and do something to change my life. I basically had nothing to lose and even if i failed and ended up miserable I already was so it really didn't matter. The key to my happiness was and will always be letting go of my e.d. Letting go of the obsessions and compulsions that I have surrounding food. So I unsubscribed to every health newsletter, stopped reading exercise magazines and writing down what I ate.

After 8 years of journaling every morsel of food that entered my lips, this is by far my greatest achievement to date and I have never felt such a sigh of relief at the knowledge that I no longer have to record my daily food intake or count up the total amount of calories consumed. Although I am far from recovery it is important to celebrate the little steps that I am taking towards it. I am not perfect and this is a long journey that I sometimes feel I am not progressing in but I know now that each day is an opportunity and a chance to prove to myself the unbelievable strength that I possess and that one day I will be able to disassociate my identity with the e.d. that has taken over and leached on to every aspect of myself over the last 8 years.

A List of Some Recent Achievements
1. I am no longer counting/journaling my food intake
2. I no longer pay attention to the latest diet or health findings
3. I don't have a meal plan
4. Yes I have eaten a doughnut for the first time in 8 years
5. I journal about how I feel
6. I am in individual counseling
7. I have joined support groups
8. I am trying to keep an open mind
9. I embrace failure

One of the most important things I have realized that has helped me fuel my recovery is the envisionment of my success. I try to act everyday as if I am recovered and no longer have an eating problem. As far as I am concerned I am normal again and no longer defined by my e.d. I try to challenge myself daily to do things that I would normally avoid. For once I am going to ignore the negatives and focus on the positives.

I am Me!

I think sometimes we search so hard to find a sense of belonging with others that we morph ourselves into the person that we think others want us to be. We adopt similar interests, activities, beliefs and thoughts of others in an attempt to make a connection with someone. We believe that we need to be alike or mirror that other person in order for them to realize that we are meant to be together. So what we believe is that basically what our potential significant other is looking for is an exact replica of themselves.

Don't get me wrong, I think its great when we can find similarities of ourselves in other people or we can share a passion for something with another person. But I believe that it is only significant if it is genuine, not something that is forced or so embedded in one's head that it eventually becomes some sort of a reality. 

What needs to exist between two people are a few things: trust, respect, love and passion. No where here does it say that we need to agree all the time, or share the same music or movie interests. All are a great asset to a relationship but really aren't critical for its survival. Two people can be complete opposites in many ways but if they possess the four things mentioned above their relationship has much more of a chance of surviving than that of people's whose relationship is based on an intense obsession of The Office or The Beatles. Because the both of you could have seen every Beatles interview imaginable yet cheat on each other due to a lack of respect whereas another couple could have completely opposite interests yet possess the four most crucial aspects of a relationship and get on just fine.

You need to trust the person you are dating because without it, your relationship can become quite suffocating as each partner cannot trust the actions of their significant other outside of the relationship. So they hold on and become insecure. The constant questioning also leads to a lack of respect, another important aspect of any relationship. To respect someone means to honestly accept them for who they are, despite their bad taste in music, snoring, or any other somewhat annoying quirk. If you respect them then that quirk is no longer annoying. I mean it may not really float your boat or anything but you would probably be able to laugh it off or ignore it as there are probably a slew of other qualities that make up for the fact that your girlfriend loves Justin Bieber or something. Then there is love and passion. You can love someone but you also need passion. You know that feeling of physically missing them if you haven't seen them in a while....Yearning for their embrace...

I dislike how in relationships sometimes I find myself developing interests that I didn't have prior to the relationship but feel its necessary to develop them in order to become more appealing. Sometimes I wonder whether they are inauthentic interests or it is just the exposure to my significant other that has caused me to develop an authentic interest in something. With each new experience we change as people and alter the things that hold our attention.

I just honestly believe that we should never feel like we don't measure up to a particular standard due to the fact that we are different. It is our differences that make us special and we should be proud of what we love or are interested in regardless of others. If the person that you are dating or have feelings for doesn't appreciate your uniqueness then maybe they aren't worth your time. There is no standard to measure up to, the only thing that is necessary is the commitment of truth that you have to yourself.


Life is about constantly reinventing yourself, and the many aspects that constitute it. But one thing is for sure is that every once in a while you should stop and evaluate your life and make sure that everything in it is consistent with your beliefs, and stays true to your essence. It is your essence that will attract someone who is right for you and who will embody trust, respect, love and passion. If your essence is not authentic or confused then it will be difficult for you to find authenticity in someone else.

It starts from within, and always be proud...always be you...

Eventually he was going to stop chasing...

Although this is mainly an outlet for dealing with my e.d., I also want to tackle the things that are going on in my life that are difficult to deal with. I was talking the other day about my ex-boyfriend and how I found out he had a new girlfriend.

I don't believe that i miss him or want him back but I guess I was so used to him chasing me and coming back to me that now that he has moved on I can't accept it. I mean when you tell someone to leave you alone, eventually they are just going to stop chasing you and move on. I wish I could be happy for him but I'm just so angry with the way he treated me and how I let it happen. And now I blame this relationship for the emotional turmoil that I am going through.

Yes it has caused emotional turmoil thats for sure, and of course finding out someone who you dated has moved on is hard to accept, especially when you want to be the one who moved on. I wanted so desperately for him to suffer the way he made me suffer but I bet hes pretty happy. Aren't guys lucky...they can treat girls like crap and easily move on to the next one and never experience heart break, while I'm left to pick up the pieces of my own broken heart.

I know I need to stop blaming him for my unhappiness and just move on. Forget about him, accept the reality that he wasn't going to continue chasing me forever and he was going to eventually move on...thats life, and eventually I will too...when I'm ready I will.

What I'd Be Doing if I Didn't Have a Weight Problem?

One of things that has been suggested to me in order to end my obsession with weight was to avoid any possible triggers that would make me think of it. This includes weight loss or health web sites, planning meals, recipes, scales, weighing and measuring my foods, grocery stores etc...

So now that I have pretty much started doing this I've noticed a few things. number one my binges still haven't completely stopped but they are much more volunteer and there is more of an awareness while doing it...I think its just more habitual now than anything. Also it could still be fueled by the exercise that i do. So this week my goal is to make a conscious effort to try and not exercise that much or eat when I'm not hungry. My problem is usually at night, like most people.

What I have really learned though by getting rid of all these triggers was that my e.d. took up so much of my time and effort. Last night I was looking for good blogs to follow but I couldn't find anything that interested me. This is because normally I would follow weight loss blogs or blogs that have to do with healthy eating/exercise. Since these are something to avoid I have avoided looking at them. But its just amazing to actually realize how much time and thought one has invested in their weight. I now have no idea what other interests I have.

So now I need to think about what I would be doing if I didn't obsess over my weight. Well first thing is I probably would cut down the exercise a bit and sleep in more often. Maybe I would start reading and writing more often, get in touch with whats going on in my brain. Or maybe I'd have more energy due to the lack of stress to do more physical things like finish decorating my room. I would be spending more time with friends thats for sure....maybe party a little bit more. I would definitely try to finally enjoy my 20s but honestly its not something I really know how to do at the moment.

“Just because the past taps you on the shoulder, doesn’t mean you have to look back.” -Anonymous

I just recently got out of a two year hell of a relationship. I'm not sure why I stayed with my ex-boyfriend but I believe it has to do a lot with not wanting to be alone and settling for the only person I "thought" would love me, although he didn't love me, or if he did he made every effort to hide it. The last time I spoke with him was a couple days before valentines day and he expressed his desire to want to try to have a relationship with me again after a hiatus that we took. It only took him less than 48 hours to begin to treat me the exact way that caused us to break up in the first place. After that I sent him a text to leave me alone and we haven't talked since.

A few days ago I found out that he is with someone new. The first thoughts that popped in my mind were feelings on adequacy and how the fact that he couldn't commit to me somehow was my fault because I wasn't worth the effort yet someone else was. I automatically assumed that he treats his new girlfriend with respect etc. even though I honestly have no idea, he probably treats her just as worse.

I removed every reminder I have of him, I want nothing to do with him nor do I want to blame myself for what happened with him. I keep trying to remind myself that I did everything I could for him and the relationship. I was always there for him despite him never being there for me. I really do never want to see him again but I'm not sure that it is plausible.

Either way it is important for me to put him behind me and concentrate on the new me. The e.d. free, happy me...the girl he didn't get to know and the girl he will never have the opportunity of knowing...and I think I'm pretty awesome too!

Its just always important to remember, things like this we can't control. Knowing more or less about the situation will not change it, nor will it change the fact that we don't have the ability to control it. People with e.d.s like to think they have control over every aspect of our lives but in reality we don't and we shouldn't want to...I have no control over this and I don't think I want it anymore...

all I can say to his new girlfriend is thank you...thank you for taking that douche bag off my back. Maybe now I can get some sleep at night without anticipating 4am texts of him wanting to see me. But maybe I'll still get them, and I hope I do...that would just prove to me what a asshole he really is...not that I haven't already realized it....

What An Eating disorder has done to my life...

Only when I am able to fully understand the extent to which this eating disorder has taken over my life will I be able to begin proper recover...

1. In my past I really believe that I lost my boyfriend that I had in high school. I truly feel that the obsession with my weight that I had and the isolation that I put myself into affected how I was towards him. I also have missed out and lost the ability to live a normal life. Quite often I avoided many social situations, to avoid the food but to also avoid having get changed and to have others look at me and I felt that they judged me on my weight and since I felt like an elephant, I believed that they saw that too.

2. It has prevented me from enjoying the company of family and friends. I can't go to family functions because I don't eat the food and since I am Italian, food is a huge part of our culture. I avoid going out for dinner with friends also and will often be the designated driver when we go to parties so I don't have to be confronted with caloric drinks.

3. It has impeded me from participating in hobbies. I love yoga but I haven't been going because I gained some weight and I don't want to have people see the weight that I have gained or have to look in the mirror to see myself.

4. The eating disorder has affected my work due to the fact that I have exercise bulimia and when I sleep in and don't have time to work out before work, I feel uncomfortable and need to leave early so I can come home and exercise. It is also because I have probably had a late night binge the night before as well.

5. I pretty much spend the entire day thinking about food and weight. Its something that is consistently at the back of my mind all day. It feels like something I can't avoid.

6. If I wasn't thinking about and acting on my eating disorder I probably would be out having fun all the time, being social, sleeping in, and invested in my school. I wouldn't spend much time obessing over food and exercise but rather do things that i enjoy.

This eating disorder has caused me to lose a lot of important things in my life. I am blessed that I do have good family and friends that are extremely supportive of me and my journey to ending my obsession with my body and food. I want to enjoy life and be happy. I also want to believe that I have self-worth because I believe that my lack of it has caused me to get involved in unhealthy relationships because that is what I feel I deserved.

I have hit rock bottom in my opinion. I have allowed my eating disorder to go through the entire turbulent cycle and now that it has lived a long life it is time for it to die. I am the hero in my own story against the battle of the e.d. and I believe that i possess the necessary skills and powers to conquer these destructive thoughts. (yes I have turned my e.d. into a super villain...I think recovery needs to be fun and come on...an e.d. would be the ultimate super villain in my world)

First Lesson in Self Acceptance

Self-acceptance? What does it mean? and how do i go about gaining it? Such a daunting thought to be able to achieve self-acceptance, especially when you have spent so much energy feeding yourself negative thoughts. So to get myself thinking about self-acceptance and how it relates to my compulsive eating i am going to answer the following 10 questions. Feel free to use them and apply them to areas that your lack of self-acceptance is affecting...

1. If I give myself permission to feel my emotions then i will allow myself to explore and begin to understand how the different people and events that are in my life affect me. Also i will begin to understand how I feel about different things, which will help me gain a better understanding of myself and how to deal with hard situations.
2. When I reject my emotions I avoid confronting the things in my life that cause me to be hurt. I mask my emotions with food because it is a distraction from life basically.
3. If I was 5% more realistic about my compulsive eating recovery I would understand that I cannot go from such an intense preoccupation with food and weight to being "normal" overnight. It takes work and the constant dedication to getting better.
4. If I was 5% more optimistic about my compulsive eating disorder recovery I would believe that despite all the failures in the past, this time is different and this time i am serious about recovery.
5. If I appreciate my wins with compulsive eating recovery 5% more I will begin to see the light at the end of this tunnel and that i am capable of conquering this disease
6. If I accept failure, I can accept that it is a normal and natural part of the life cycle and that if anything it will teach me how to change things in the future to succeed
7. My biggest fear is that I will be this way forever
8. Is that fear real? only if i allow it to be
9. I hope that? I can realize and embed in my thoughts that i am more valuable than what i weigh
10. I can see myself… being happy

My Gratitude List (What am I grateful for right now)

1. My family
2. My friends
3. My intelligence 
4. My creativity and writing ability
5. My strength
6. My hope
7. My determination
8. My smile
9. Laughter
10. Silly

I am grateful for all these things...some are people, some are personal attributes and some are just things that I think are important. None of things are contingent on my body but aspects of life that have always been there.

So there it is...my first lesson on self-acceptance

The Beginning...

For about as long I remember I have hated myself. Ok maybe hate is too strong of a word to use but I have severely disliked myself. I never believed I was capable of anything that could amount to greatness, ignored my strengths and concentrated on my weaknesses. Not only have i had no faith in my capabilities but more damaging have I hated my body. Critical is an understatement. In counseling when my therapist asked me to try and describe what about my body that I hate, I couldn't describe it in a way that would do what goes on in my head justice, nor truly explain the extent to which it preoccupies my mind. Its more like a never-ending feeling of uncomfortableness in my body. I physically feel uncomfortable in my body, like my soul is screaming out to me to get out of it as soon as possible and transport myself to that of a body which is perfect...because only then will I be who I am supposed to be and it is only then will I be able to begin my life...

...yes...this is what I have believed for the last 12 years of my life. I have avoided living my life to the fullest because I feel that I don't deserve to live because in my eyes I don't amount to the perfection that I believe I should possess. Keep in mind, that I have never been told an obscene amount of negative things nor has anyone overtly made me feel unworthy, but rather it is my perceptions of people, myself, and the environment around me that has led me to engage in such negativity. I have gone from anorexia to bulimia to binge eating and all the way back around again. I have hated myself to extents that i never thought possible...

...but then it hit me. I have been really really thin, and then I have been a normal weight and no matter what I weigh I still refuse to live my life. Even at my thinnest, my obsession became so intense that I completely isolated myself from the world and lost many things that were important to me. I finally hit the end of my suffering and realized that if i don't start living now, i miswell not live at all. But i am aware that there are many amazing things about life to experience...

..so here is my story, my journey to self-acceptance. From this point on i will end my hatred with myself and the obsession with body, weight and connecting it to my self-worth. From now on i walk around believing in myself, and believing that i love myself. Although I don't really believe it yet, i do believe that if i wish enough, believe enough and reinforce enough it will become a reality.

Join me in my journey as its bound to be rocky and if you are struggling with me we don't have to do it alone. The road to self-acceptance is hard and sometimes you feel like you are getting no where but you always are. I believe...I believe I'm on my way...