Losing an Identity, but building a new one

Its truly astonishing to realize how your eating disorder as occupied the majority of your life. I mean it has an identity of its own and one that is quite dominant. People who have eating disorders do not simply just have a preoccupation with food but they begin to embody something outside themselves and identity with new characteristics that are inconsistent with their true selves but rather somewhat forming an alter ego, the e.d. In some ways having an eating disorder can be compared to developing some sort of alter ego like a superhero. It is basically escapism and a way to escape one's own life in order to adopt a different one. Now the difference with adopting a superhero alter ego is that is usually a fantasy that one conjures up in their mind whereas an eating disorder is so powerful that it begins in the mind but spills out into reality eventually wiping the victim of the personality in which they identified with previously in order to become someone different.

This is why eating disordered people eventually disconnect with their world and often lose people who they love and had formed relationships prior to its onset. Its because this eating disorder personality does not like people but prefers isolation. Isolation is a time for this person to be one with their eating disorder and engage in the necessary behaviours to fuel the disease further. Obviously if people were to see their friend, wife, daughter etc. vomit all that she has eaten, not eat at all, or just basically have that look of self-hatred on her face it would tear them to pieces. Eating disordered people often avoid social contact as it is often connected with food and they don't want to be questioned by others for their choices.

Besides eating disordered people isolating themselves, and being difficult to communicate with, they become preoccupied with food, eating and health. Much of their time is spent developing new and alternate ways to reach their goal. A common misconception is that this goal is to be thin, beautiful and accepted by society. And probably to an extent that is true but I think on a deeper and more profound level, the goal of someone with an e.d. is to disappear. They possess a self-hatred for their self and body so deep that they punish their body through various means. It is a conscious attempt at a slow death, one in which the e.d. victim believes that she deserves to be punished.

It is a level of depression that seems impossible to get out of. And if that person decides that they want to be "normal" and relieve themselves of this perpetuating cycle it is an even more scary notion than staying with an e.d. Because for this person, they have created a new life that is centered around their eating disorder and to separate themselves from it is similar to that of moving to a completely different universe. Not only has every action this person has made reflected their eating disorder, but the only interest they have had has surrounded food. Do they even like anything else? Are they good at anything else? What is life like without an eating disorder?

These are the questions that have been running through my head since I decided to make the change and let go of an identity that I have possessed for the last eight years. I needed to make small steps and still am but I am so determined to change my life around that I have been able to see the light in the tunnel so to speak. I never thought that I would be able to go a day without writing everything I ate or counted all the calories of my food, but here I am three weeks and counting and no meal plans etc. I do find myself sometimes thinking about what I have ate, or am about to eat but I am consciously trying to defeat those thoughts until they are no longer automatically activated.

The most odd thing that I have realized is all the time I do have now that I don't spend numerous hours on health and weight loss websites (I have banned myself from going on them as I feel it perpetuates the disorder). My eating disorder had become so embedded in me over the years that I have forgotten what I used to be interested in prior to its onset. I was talking to my therapist about it the other day as I was trying to explain the difficulty in separating with an eating disorder. As much as it has been harmful to me it is also what is safe. Many times people would rather live in a comfortable hell than embark into the unknown. Leaving an eating disorder is rediscovering who you are and what you love. Its adopting a new lifestyle and putting yourself into situations that previously you would have avoided.

As much as this is exciting and trust me, the idea of going to the store and buying a bag of ju jubs without consequence is quite delightful and somewhat devious (but in a good way) it is still daunting to believe that I will eventually be someone different. But I wasn't happy with who I was before and that is what keeps me from retreating back. I figured I am in hell now and even if treatment doesn't work and I'm still in hell, at least I could say I tried and accept defeat at that point. When you are at rock bottom, there is only one way to try and go and either way you are already at the bottom so you can't do anything that will make it worse.

I have rediscovered my love of the written word and how much I truly enjoy writing. As a child I could always be found with a book in hand or writing some short story. I always had aspirations to one day write a novel. I doubt that is plausible but this web site has been a way for me to release a lot that is on my mind and has given me the opportunity to write and I hope that in the future I could be more creative in what I post on here and I am sure I will.

So although the loss of my eating disorder identity is difficult to accept in someways, the possibility to become the person that I believe I am capable of being and developing the skills and talents I know I have within me is quite exciting and liberating.