Right Guy, Wrong Time?

How do you know? Its such a loaded question when applied to relationships. I mean really how do you know when something is worth it or when a relationship really isn't meant to be. Breakups always seem to final to me despite the possibility of rekindling love some time down the road. I guess for me its final because if I know at the end of a relationship there is a possibility of a future I will hold on to that thought. The problem with that is life changes so rapidly that that notion which seemed possible at the time no longer stands true.

That is what happened with my high school boyfriend and I always wonder whether I should have fought harder for the survival of the relationship. Realistically no guy had ever treated me as good as he did or make me feel that important. I wasn't able to appreciate it at the time because I hated myself so much that I felt like I couldn't let someone else love me, nor was that an even plausible thought. I remember the day I met him, four years before we actually dated I just knew that we were going to date. It was intuition I suppose. He became my best friend and remained my best friend until the end of our relationship. I couldn't be friends with him after because I loved him too much. I still love him I think. I do miss him and always wonder that if I was a little bit different than maybe we would be together today. But at the same time I don't want to put that much blame on me. I mean I was in high school, what did I really know about love or maintaining a relationship.

I tried to maintain my last relationship I was in far past its due date and what a disaster that was. I guess I was afraid that like with my high school boyfriend that I was letting go of something prematurely and what if I did and I regretted it. For me it was like one of those how do you know moments. I always believed that maybe this relationship was so difficult for a reason. Maybe it was meant to be fought for and there was a reason I was to put up with all the abuse. The sad thing was that there was no reason. It was just a case of a lack of respect on his part for me and my feelings. And in the end I was the one that ended up hurt while he moved on easily.

It was easy for him to move on as he wasn't really emotionally invested in it to begin with. I don't know if hes capable of being emotionally invested in anything really. The only way I could describe him really is possessing a cold, cold heart. Not even to this day has he apologized for what he put me through, which makes this process of moving on so much more difficult. I mean I have so much anger towards him and as hateful as it sounds a part of me really wants him to end up miserable or to have his luck run out.

But it brings me back to this confusing notion between what is right and time. When do they connect and meet? When will the right guy show up at the right time? I always only ever seem to get only one part of the equation right. Unlike math there is no definite answer and even if you have all the parts they may never amount to the right answer. Matters of the heart cannot be figured out reasonably because nothing the heart emotes is reasonable. It is erratic and confused. Love and relationships are a never-ending topic of what ifs, maybes, and I wish....