Loosing Focus...

Only a week ago had I had such a clear vision of what this new life of normalcy and release from the preoccupation with my weight was and now that has seemed to fizzle away. I can feel my feelings creeping back and the preoccupation with food and feeling fat present once again. This upsets me as only a week ago was I so optimistic about this whole journey and I felt hope, hope that I could achieve all these things and feel normal once again. But now I feel like again I'm stuck in a cycle that I don't know how to get myself out of.

I read this book called "Wasted' about the experience that Maryna Hornbacher has with eating disorders. At the end of the book she makes quite a valid point and I highly recommend anyone that has experienced eating disorders read this book. Some people have claimed that it could be a trigger for some people and I see how it could in particular ways. She brings up a lot of the emotions and realities that surrounding having an eating disorder and it could perpetuate those feelings in suffers who enjoy experiencing those same emotions. Now back to the point that she made that struck a chord with me...

She said that no therapy, no treatment, no book etc is useful in recovery if you aren't willing to recover. The only person that can make that change is you and you alone. Nothing else can be effective or is effective without you. I strongly believe this and sometimes I feel like I rely on external sources too often to tell me how to go about this process that I don't trust my on self. I also feel like sometimes I don't know how or maybe even want to give this up.

I guess in some senses an eating disorder provides an explanation for many things. Its an explanation for why I'm unhappy, or why I don't want to experience new things or even why I lost my marbles on someone the other day. All I have to say is I don't have any other explanation for my actions other than I am suffering with an eating disorder and it alters my judgment. If I don't have an eating disorder anymore than if I were to act in similar ways only I would be accountable for it, unless I developed some other sort of mental disorder.

When you think of this it kinda leads you into thinking about the origins of one's eating disorder and what has perpetuated it through all these years. What started it for me? Did I just develop one because I needed something to excuse me from my unhappiness, or negative behaviour. Maybe I felt eating disorders were the easiest excuse. Or maybe it was unconscious and I was biologically inclined to develop one.

In all realness we spend so much time looking into the past and the whos, whats, wheres and whys. None of that will help me now. Knowing why I developed this disease will not help me get past it. Ye sure, maybe I'll be more enlightened but still suffering nonetheless. I know I need to keep up with the visualizations but its hard to consciously remember these things, especially when I spend so much energy criticizing myself. Like now for instance, here I am already defeated after a couple days of backwards thinking. Its probably this feeling of defeat that has kept me from overcoming small setbacks in the past. I've once again ignored all the progress that I have made. So because this time I am serious about this journey as I've pledged on this blog that I will make the effort everyday to make my life an enjoyable one, I will continue fighting.

How will I do this you ask? Well now that you mention it I am in fact going for dessert tonight with some friends and it is expected from them that I actually order dessert. I've been nervous all day and night for what I am going to encounter or whether or not I will be able go through with this and actually order dessert...No Wait!Stop!Rewind! Ok with today's positive affirmation in mind...I am a normal eater therefore I will eat dessert tonight, enjoy it and not think twice of any consequences.

Also on a side note..tomorrow is my first group therapy session at Sheena's Place and I'm super nervous yet quite excited that I will get to be around people who are dealing with the same issues as me...

Ok time for dessert now...Mands out!