A focus on my wins

Sometimes I am so focused on the negatives that I believe that I possess that I forget to make the time to acknowledge all the great things that I have been doing. For a while there I felt like I was on such a high due to the fact that I believed that I had come to some pretty incredible revelations and was beginning to engage in some life changing things. This was right after a major depressive state that I was in where I pretty much felt that if my life continued on the way it was going it wasn't worth living. I was driving myself crazy with all the negative self-talk, the blame, the pressure to be perfect, meal planning, isolation etc. My body could no longer mentally, emotionally or physically handle the pressure that I was putting on it. Not only was my mind constantly running I couldn't concentrate on anything nor could I relax myself enough to sleep at night. I had developed insomnia and rarely slept at night. In addition to all of this I am a full time university student who works 30 hours a week at a stressful administrative job who works our daily (my exercise bulimia I'd like to call it)

I don't doubt that this kind of lifestyle is possible for some people and maybe they are capable of executing it smoothly, keeping breakdowns to a minimum but I couldn't do it. It worked for about 5 months before I hit probably my lowest point in the last two years. Straight to the doctors I went and straight on cipralex she put me. I felt so relieved because I had the magic pills to end all my problems. Apparently the medical community likes to lead people to believe that the cures to lifes woes can be found in a pill...if only that were true. If that were true there would be no angst, no heartbreak, no feelings really....because the moment one felt a sense of emotional discomfort their doctor would provide them with the magic pill that would end all there problems.

That is the problem with the medical community and anti-depressants specifically is that it is a facade. A false hope really. It was something that allowed me to leave my doctor's office somehow believing that my life was about to take a new and positive turn. I finally found the key to freedom and could unlock the door to happiness.

As much as I would love to say that was what transpired, it wasn't. Instead I felt completely lethargic, miserable and isolated. I also gained like 10-15 lbs due to the lack of activity that I was doing, which for someone with an e.d. is just about nail in the coffin. I was missing work, not going to school, and entering the world of isolation once again. This pill was doing everything opposite of what it promised...

For me suicide isn't an option and I was pretty miserable so I realized something. I had only two options, to remain miserable or to try and do something to change my life. I basically had nothing to lose and even if i failed and ended up miserable I already was so it really didn't matter. The key to my happiness was and will always be letting go of my e.d. Letting go of the obsessions and compulsions that I have surrounding food. So I unsubscribed to every health newsletter, stopped reading exercise magazines and writing down what I ate.

After 8 years of journaling every morsel of food that entered my lips, this is by far my greatest achievement to date and I have never felt such a sigh of relief at the knowledge that I no longer have to record my daily food intake or count up the total amount of calories consumed. Although I am far from recovery it is important to celebrate the little steps that I am taking towards it. I am not perfect and this is a long journey that I sometimes feel I am not progressing in but I know now that each day is an opportunity and a chance to prove to myself the unbelievable strength that I possess and that one day I will be able to disassociate my identity with the e.d. that has taken over and leached on to every aspect of myself over the last 8 years.

A List of Some Recent Achievements
1. I am no longer counting/journaling my food intake
2. I no longer pay attention to the latest diet or health findings
3. I don't have a meal plan
4. Yes I have eaten a doughnut for the first time in 8 years
5. I journal about how I feel
6. I am in individual counseling
7. I have joined support groups
8. I am trying to keep an open mind
9. I embrace failure

One of the most important things I have realized that has helped me fuel my recovery is the envisionment of my success. I try to act everyday as if I am recovered and no longer have an eating problem. As far as I am concerned I am normal again and no longer defined by my e.d. I try to challenge myself daily to do things that I would normally avoid. For once I am going to ignore the negatives and focus on the positives.