What Recovery Means to Me

A crucial element in eating disorder recovery is to visualize what recovery from your eating disorder means to you and how different your life would be if you didn't have an eating disorder. Then from here you act out your vision as if you are already recovered.

So what does recovery mean to me? Well I think it means living free from binge eating. I would no longer be obsessed with food or think about when I should or could eat and what I should or could eat. I would no longer have obsessive thoughts regarding the future and food's involvement. I would be stable enough to be able to put myself in any situation regarding food and easily handle it as it would no longer be an issue. I wouldn't be concerned with calories or gaining weight. I would trust my body and love it unconditionally.

I would also stop binge eating because I would be comfortable doing nothing nor would I have thoughts such as I probably should eat something etc. These are the kind of thoughts that probe me to get a snack which end up in binges. From there the exercise bulimia kicks in as in the morning I usually feel as if I must get up and workout and if I don't its at the back of my mind the entire day until I exercise. So recovery for me would be to exercise because I enjoy movement and challenging my body but not because I need to work off what I ate. I also wouldn't have to because I would only be eating when I was hungry, not when I felt that I should or could or to fill some unspecified void.

I would enjoy eating because I could finally enjoy all the food that I had sworn off as bad and could enjoy it without guilt. I wouldn't feel guilty either because I would be able to finally listen to my body and stop when I was full. I would no longer eat for emotional reasons or have any particular attachment to food.

I would feel happy in recovery because I feel that I have kept myself isolated for so long due to how uncomfortable I am around food that now I could finally enjoy my life. I would socialize with my friends more and more than that my spirit would be high and that would attract people to be around me. I truly believe that somewhere deep inside me there is a happy person who has been jaded by this disease. But I believe in some ways she is capable of great things and I want to give myself the opportunity to reveal that person to the people who love me.

Something else that is really important to me is to bring awareness to this disorder as I feel that there are many misconceptions concerning it and that people don't really understand its severity or take it seriously. People really don't view eating disorders as something serious because they don't really understand what the sufferer goes through. People just assume its a diet gone out of hand and its just a matter of simply coming off the diet. They don't understand that an eating disorder is rooted in a self-hatred for one's self and body that is so intense, so severe that the eating disorder is a way in which one can kill their self, and kill their soul. Death becomes irrelevant as sufferers really don't care if they live in the hell they call life. In fact most sufferers are just waiting to die or feel that death is the only release from the hell they are in. People with eating disorders become so accustomed to living life in a particular way that normalcy seems impossible and even if it is impossible they don't know what it consists of anymore.

Yesterday I was standing in the food court at school deciding what to eat and now that my whole eating repertoire has expanded to include any food I desire, I still went for a sub. I did this not because I was trying to be healthy but because I had no idea what I wanted. It has been so long since I have had the option of so much food choice that I was so overwhelmed.

In Summary, my recovery consists of:

1. I have no more binges, especially midnight ones
2. I eat whatever food I desire
3. I don't feel guilty for not exercising if I don't feel like it
4. I exercise for enjoyment and practice yoga more often
5. I am able to eat out with my friends at any restaurant and am open to trying new foods
6. I am not preoccupied with what and when to eat, I eat when I am hungry and only think about food at that time
7. I don't count calories, but rather spend my time interested in other things that excite me
8. I am at a normal weight and am not concerned with my weight at all

So from now on this vision is not a goal but is a reality, I will act out my life as if it was true because if I believe it enough it will become a reality. No matter if sometimes I act inconsistent with my vision I will still repeat it as if it were true. I will keep seeing the life that I desire to have and continually make the effort to implement it regardless if sometimes I fail. Because I am never actually failing but realizing that this is a process and I will not be perfect all the time. I don't want to be perfect, perfection is what got me into this mess the first time and I am not perfect and my life won't be. There are times when I will act inconsistently with the life that I desire but everything that happens is a learning process. I just need to be honest with myself that this is what I want and being committed to achieving it.

Recovery to me is an intense feeling of happiness and a feeling of the world finally being open to me for enjoyment. I could finally learn and concentrate on all the aspects of life that were previously occupied by thoughts of food and calories. Most importantly I think I would smile more, i mean be genuinely happy and appreciate the aspects of myself that others value because they are what makes me unique. I will embrace my eating disorder in that I would be proud of myself for conquering something so difficult and would b able to retell my story of strength to others who need the encouragement.