I haven't been posting positive affirmations because quite frankly they aren't working nor is this visualization process as I can't remember what it is I want every time I have a negative thought or act inconsistently with my visualization of normalcy. I feel like my thoughts are so embedded that they are irreversible and that I'm going to be stuck this way forever. On the other hand I don't feel that I am giving myself the benefit of the doubt but its hard to know how to go about this whole process. I have no sense or direction or idea of what it entails to beat this disease. I feel lost and I guess I expect all these behaviours to change overnight and am giving it a time line when maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I'm hoping this eating disorders support group will help and maybe next week during check in I will bring up my lack of understanding what this journey entails and how it is become a self-fulfilling prophecy that I am destined for failure. In the meantime I really have to try and keep positive and keep myself busy and surrounded by people. Its just I feel ok now but in five minutes I have to go change into clothes and thats when I get depressed and an sense of faith that I had has been quickly forgotten.
Some good news though, my counselor at university is not going to be able to counsel me during the summer as she is leaving, but she has asked her supervisor to continue counseling with me and for that I am so grateful because I really can't do this alone and I need the proper direction.
Some so so news, I am going to Cuba in June and although that should be really exciting I am really nervous about having to wear a bathing suit...
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