The Beginning...

For about as long I remember I have hated myself. Ok maybe hate is too strong of a word to use but I have severely disliked myself. I never believed I was capable of anything that could amount to greatness, ignored my strengths and concentrated on my weaknesses. Not only have i had no faith in my capabilities but more damaging have I hated my body. Critical is an understatement. In counseling when my therapist asked me to try and describe what about my body that I hate, I couldn't describe it in a way that would do what goes on in my head justice, nor truly explain the extent to which it preoccupies my mind. Its more like a never-ending feeling of uncomfortableness in my body. I physically feel uncomfortable in my body, like my soul is screaming out to me to get out of it as soon as possible and transport myself to that of a body which is perfect...because only then will I be who I am supposed to be and it is only then will I be able to begin my life...

...yes...this is what I have believed for the last 12 years of my life. I have avoided living my life to the fullest because I feel that I don't deserve to live because in my eyes I don't amount to the perfection that I believe I should possess. Keep in mind, that I have never been told an obscene amount of negative things nor has anyone overtly made me feel unworthy, but rather it is my perceptions of people, myself, and the environment around me that has led me to engage in such negativity. I have gone from anorexia to bulimia to binge eating and all the way back around again. I have hated myself to extents that i never thought possible...

...but then it hit me. I have been really really thin, and then I have been a normal weight and no matter what I weigh I still refuse to live my life. Even at my thinnest, my obsession became so intense that I completely isolated myself from the world and lost many things that were important to me. I finally hit the end of my suffering and realized that if i don't start living now, i miswell not live at all. But i am aware that there are many amazing things about life to experience...

..so here is my story, my journey to self-acceptance. From this point on i will end my hatred with myself and the obsession with body, weight and connecting it to my self-worth. From now on i walk around believing in myself, and believing that i love myself. Although I don't really believe it yet, i do believe that if i wish enough, believe enough and reinforce enough it will become a reality.

Join me in my journey as its bound to be rocky and if you are struggling with me we don't have to do it alone. The road to self-acceptance is hard and sometimes you feel like you are getting no where but you always are. I believe...I believe I'm on my way...